Are you a Conscious Parent?

Posted: 24 Apr 2013 | Enneagram, styles, parenting, ennea-type, conscious, coaching, blind spots


Conscious Parenting: Parenting styles of the Different Enneagram Types

When parents first become aware of their enneagram type, there is often a instinctive need to then ask about what parents know about the ennea-types of their children, and more often than not, parents type their kids even if they are told that the child’s personality is still malleable and developing.

Rather then focus on the kids, I find it more useful to talk about parenting styles. After-all, the meaning of your communication is the response you get.

First, some basics: Our kids come into this world with an innate temperament, and that is what we see in the smile or frown of a baby. As they start to engage with their surroundings and their caregivers, they start to learn what gets them things they need for instinctive survival, a warm bottle of milk, blankets, the poo cleaner etc. Every action leads to learning, and some reaction, thus it is not quite what the parents intend, but rather what the baby perceives.

Let’s look at parenting styles. See if you recognize yourself in the list:


Type 1 Parents

Type 1 parents take parenting very seriously. There is a list of criteria and rules that must be indoctrinated into their children. Firm, stoic, tough love is what the kids need for their own good. Being critical is for the benefit of the child, after all, everyone wants precise feedback that helps them improve, right?

This focus on what’s right or perfect, however, can lead to unrealistic expectations that create an environment of fear against failure, coldness and rigidity.


Type 2 Parents

Type 2 parents believe in nurture, love, gentleness, and a very intrusive form of love, after all, we all want to do everything possible to help our children, don’t we? Type two parents are exceedingly attentive, with single-minded focus on what they think or feel their children will need. Sometimes the over whelming care forces the child to retreat to find some space to breathe, and other times, that may create apathy and lack of independence. When mother or daddy does everything, why should I do anything at all?

Type 2 parents may create reliance and need, and when they are not rewarded for their care, they may turn martyr-like and demand through emotional blackmail what they feel they deserve.


Type 3 Parents

Type 3s are industrious and efficient, hardworking and image conscious. They often spend more time working then with the family, and that often leads to a sense of guilt which may then lead to a over reliance on providing material compensation, especially when type 3s tend not to realize that even when they are with their kids, they are on the phones, still networking, and still creating an image, even if it is of a good parent.

Children of type 3s may feel that they are seen only for their achievements, and loved only for the targets they meet.


Type 4 parents

Type 4s are sensitive and emotional. As parents, they may long for something in the parent-child relationship that they sense is missing. When rebuffed by their children, they either withdraw or/and engage in dramatic outbursts or actions that may not truly explain what they want because, sometimes, how would you know what’s missing?

Type 4 parents want children to find meaning in life, and they may unconsciously transfer old memories or desires onto their children hoping to find resolution or rescue.


Type 5 parents

Type 5s love intellectual discourse and things that are reasonable. Their love for space to be alone and to ruminate on concepts or mental problem solving may cause them to disengage from their family. As a parent, they may be distant or stern parents as there are rules of engagement that must be followed, or else things may get destroyed.

Type 5 parents may feel that they want their kids to grow up quickly and intelligently, and often find the emotional aspect of relating to their children daunting and energy consuming.


Type 6 parents

Natural planners, lovers of scenarios and case studies, type 6 parents have everything ready for any disaster. They list out things that need to be done, and logically check off lists and prepare for contingencies. They want reliable support, and thus they endeavor to provide this same level of support to their children.

Children of type 6 parents may experience their parent’s fears and anxieties, and may respond to it in different ways, ranging from adopting the same fears, or avoiding and dismissing those fears as craziness.


Type 7 parents

Type 7 parents want to create fun families, and often have multiple activities, people, sounds and sights at home and in family excursions. The type 7 parent may be too busy for their kids, or may want to give the kid more activities then they really can handle.

Sometimes, being exciting and flexible may create an environment where kids learn that being sloppy or blasé about plans is alright and acceptable. Fun and self indulgence is more important.


Type 8 parents

Type 8s are leaders through and through, and at home, they may direct or command their children in a bossy, intimating way. Their children learn that if they are not strong, they will be pulverized. This aggression may distant their children from them, something that they certainly did not want.

Type 8s teach their kids to be strong, and sometimes have difficulty relating to their children in a emotionally balanced way.


Type 9 parents

Type 9s tend to be permissive in parenting, finding it hard to say no to requests. Wanting to keep the harmony at home, they may agree to things that they actually dislike. Not being able to articulate their true intentions may create confusion for the kids, as they turn passive-aggressive in turns. Yes may mean no, and no may mean no.


So let me ask you, what is your parenting style? Is it a mixture of some styles or is it more of one style?

What are you truly motivated by and what is the outcome you seek?

Is your style helping or pushing you away from what you really want?

Drop us a line, and tell us what conscious parenting means to you!

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